Oct 06, 2020 • Written by Rebecca Fulcer
When You Wonder Where God Is In Your Suffering: Proverbs 31
We were heading home when the nurse called with news for my husband, Patrick. I was driving when he answered his cellphone. It was a quick exchange, but when I glanced over at him writing on a scrap of paper, I could see the word “cancer.”
It’s true that hearing the “C” word is like being punched in the stomach. I wanted to throw up. We both sat in silence. Although it is all a bit blurry to me, I do remember pulling into our driveway, the two of us crying and speechless. At some point, I hurriedly got out of the car and ran up the stairs to our bedroom.
It seemed like a safe place, even if that was just an illusion.
My entire body felt like a balloon someone had just sucked the air out of. I was in complete disbelief. Alone in our room, I Googled blood cancer and collapsed to the floor as I read the word “incurable.” I read it again. Incurable.
My thoughts raced. Or rather raged against me and inside of me.
I thought about sickness. Suffering. Death.
I thought about growing old alone.
I thought about our kids’ graduation.
Sons and daughters walking down the aisle one day, without their father.
This happens to other people. Not us. How could this be happening to our family?
Everyone’s pain is unique. I am certainly not an expert on suffering. But the worst pain of all, the darkest suffering, is when in the middle of our storm, even God feels far away. Distant. Uninvolved. And that is exactly how God felt to me.
Maybe you are in that place right now, feeling darkness and dryness — like God Himself has left you. Whatever you are facing, I first want to remind you that you are not alone in feeling alone. You are not the first person to walk through hardship and wonder whether God is for you or against you. This feeling is not a weakness or a sign of your lack of faith. Most importantly, I want to remind you that you are not alone because God IS there. Even when it seems like He isn’t.
To read more of this post from Ruth Schwenk at Proverbs 31, click here.